Tips for approaching your child’s school reluctance/refusal
In recent years, we’ve seen quite a shift in many of our children’s attitudes towards school. The transition from remote learning back to in-person schooling has been a bit of a rollercoaster for some, leading to an increase in school reluctance (also described as ‘school refusal’ or ‘school can’t’). If you’re a parent trying to make sense of this challenging situation with your child, here are a few tips that I hope might help:
1. Be curious: Understanding your child’s feelings and concerns is the first step in addressing school reluctance. Consider asking questions that allow your child to open up, such as: “Are there parts of the day that are particularly hard or boring for you?”, “Are there kids you’d like to be friends with, but haven’t had the chance to play with yet?”, or “If you could wave a magic wand and change three things about school, which things would you choose?”.
2. Pick your timing: It’s often a little easier for children to open up in situations that don’t require direct eye contact, so consider asking your curious questions when you’re out for a walk, driving somewhere or after lying down beside them in bed at night. It will naturally be much easier to figure out your next steps, if you’re able to uncover the issues troubling your child. That said, you needn’t jump in to fix-it mode straight away. Allowing your child to feel heard and understood is too powerful a step to skip, so consider responding with comments like: “That makes sense. I get why you’d find that really hard. Thank you for
telling me.”
3. Collaborate with your child’s teachers: Your child’s teacher/s can often provide really useful insights into the school context for you, and can often share information relating to your child’s struggles, learning and social interactions that you might not otherwise hear from your child. They might also suggest approaches to help your child feel more comfortable and engaged in the classroom. Keep an open mind and again, adopt a curious, aligned approach. Teachers are valuable members of your child’s team after all.
4. Align on the same team: I’m sure (like every other parent!), you’ve discovered the hard way that no-one ever ‘wins’ in a power struggle with a child. Instead, it will always more helpful to position yourself on your child’s team. Use language that makes it clear you’re on their side, working together to figure out how best to help. While your wording choices will differ depending on your child’s circumstances and needs, an example of this kind of wording, would be: “I get it. It can sometimes feel hard to go to school, but I also know that you’re a capable kid who can do hard things. I wonder what we can all do to help (your teacher included of course), so this no longer feels ‘too hard”, but instead “hard-butdoable”? Let’s see what we can come up with together. We’ve got this.”
5. Should you go? Of course, sometimes situations like these feel fraught with risk, particularly when it comes to bullying. There will be times when you might need to act quickly to keep your child safe. And other times when you discover the sad truth, albeit less urgently, that not all schools suit all children.
6. Or should you stay? If your child is safe, it’s best to avoid rushed or emotionally-driven decision making. As you can imagine, if you were to swiftly withdraw your child in the context of a recent knock in social confidence, they might find it considerably harder to settle into a brand new school with a completely unfamiliar peer group to contend with. In situations like these, your child might be better served by staying in their current familiar school environment, but with greater supports in place.
When one of my own children switched schools, having wondered whether the ‘grass might be greener’ elsewhere, she quickly discovered that it wasn’t, and decided to return. I’ll never forget her Principal’s words as he welcomed her back: “I understand why you felt you had to leave, but sometimes, we discover the grass looks greener because we’ve been careful to water it; So, how can we help? What do you need?”.
There will be times for all of us, when we’ll find ourselves facing a challenging situation that just feels too hard. Sometimes, our only real choice is to change course. But often, we can navigate challenges by sharing how we feel, gathering our people around us, seeking extra supports, and together, figuring out our best course of action. If school challenges lead your child to discover that they have caring people in their corner who are willing to think flexibly about how best to meet their needs, advocate on their behalf, and cheer them on along the way, then ultimately, whatever you both decide, these hard-but-doable moments can become valuable learning opportunities after all.
